I'm not afraid of a list.
I'm not a afraid of a long list.
I'm not afraid of really long list.
Maybe I'm a little afraid.
Sunday, November 16, 2008
Friday, November 14, 2008
Switch to: OFF
You can't shut off your feelings. You can't change your feelings. You're going to feel what you feel, so learn how to deal with it.
That's basically what she said to me, in a nutshell. For an hour this morning. I begged and pleaded with her to tell me how to fix this, but apparently, there is no pill or diet or technique to be employed in the feeling-changing department.
That blows. Someone really needs to come up with a pill for that one.
That's basically what she said to me, in a nutshell. For an hour this morning. I begged and pleaded with her to tell me how to fix this, but apparently, there is no pill or diet or technique to be employed in the feeling-changing department.
That blows. Someone really needs to come up with a pill for that one.
Broken
Let sorrowful longing dwell in yoru heart.
Never give up, never lose hope.
God says, "The broken ones are my beloved."
Crush your heart. Be broken.
- Shaikh Abu Saeed Abil Kheir, aka Nobody, Son of Nobody
Never give up, never lose hope.
God says, "The broken ones are my beloved."
Crush your heart. Be broken.
- Shaikh Abu Saeed Abil Kheir, aka Nobody, Son of Nobody
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
I'M GOING SWIMMING
I'm going swimming.
I'm going swimming.
I don't know what I'm afraid of. I'm not an idiot. I know how to get to the YMCA. I know how to get to the pool. I know how to swim.
Stop. Being. Scared.
STOP IT.
I'M GOING SWIMMING NOW.
I'm going swimming.
I don't know what I'm afraid of. I'm not an idiot. I know how to get to the YMCA. I know how to get to the pool. I know how to swim.
Stop. Being. Scared.
STOP IT.
I'M GOING SWIMMING NOW.
The Sign on my Lawn
Originally written on June 7, 2008:
I have a friend who told me the other day that I have a big FUCK OFF sign on my lawn
I don't actually have a lawn, but I get the metaphor. She said I can be really defensive with people, and that it's usually to either prevent myself from getting hurt or having a reason to fall back on when the inevitable hurt finally arrives.
I never really thought of myself as a defensive person before. Angry? Sure. Bitter? Who's not? But not defensive. But as she laid it all out there plain as day, it was hard to deny what she was saying.
This all came up because there's this guy...blah blah. Whatever. The point is, I don't know what to do with him. I do like him. But I don't want to tell him. For two reasons - one, I don't want to hear him say he doesn't like me back. Two, I don't want to hear him say he does like me back.
Fun, huh?
It would be really nice to have a boyfriend. But, it has also been nice not having a boyfriend. And I'm really not up for heartbreak right now, so I'm keeping all of this to myself. But apparently, it's more than that. It's the big FUCK OFF sign on my lawn rearing it's ugly head.
I told her all the reasons I don't think it would work between me and said boy.
And she said, "This is you, making excuses for why it won't work, so that when it doesn't work, you can say you knew all along, and you think that if you keep these reasons in your back pocket and pull them out when the 'inevitable' happens, it won't hurt, because this will be your ammunition against it." Or something like that.
Anyway, the point is, she's right. I had never thought about it like that before, but as soon as she said it, I saw that she was right. And not only did I see it in this situation, but I saw how I have done that over and over again in my life.
It's not to say that I'm going to tell said boy how I feel, but she has given me a lot to think about.
Angry, bitter and defensive.
Jeez. I suck large.
My thoughts now, November 12, 2008:
She was right and wrong. I can definitely put up the FUCK YOU sign when I need to be defensive. But that's not what was going on. Because, the day after I wrote that, I went on a date. And another date. And another. With the same guy. Not the guy in that post. Another guy. A guy I'm still dating today.
So where did the FUCK YOU sign go with this guy I'm dating now? Why didn't I have it up with him but with guy #1? I don't know why it was so hard to see then. I didn't want him. Looking back at it, and it wasn't that long ago, it's pretty clear. I didn't want him. I could have had him if I wanted it. I didn't. I made every excuse in the book.
"It just won't work."
"We're too different."
"We're too much the same."
"He's too much the same."
I felt like I should want to be with him. It made a lot of sense, on paper. But I just didn't feel it. I didn't then, and I just couldn't fake it. I did that for so long, I just couldn't do it anymore.
So there we have it. It only took me 5 months to figure that one out.
Good on you, Anne. Keep going.
I have a friend who told me the other day that I have a big FUCK OFF sign on my lawn
I don't actually have a lawn, but I get the metaphor. She said I can be really defensive with people, and that it's usually to either prevent myself from getting hurt or having a reason to fall back on when the inevitable hurt finally arrives.
I never really thought of myself as a defensive person before. Angry? Sure. Bitter? Who's not? But not defensive. But as she laid it all out there plain as day, it was hard to deny what she was saying.
This all came up because there's this guy...blah blah. Whatever. The point is, I don't know what to do with him. I do like him. But I don't want to tell him. For two reasons - one, I don't want to hear him say he doesn't like me back. Two, I don't want to hear him say he does like me back.
Fun, huh?
It would be really nice to have a boyfriend. But, it has also been nice not having a boyfriend. And I'm really not up for heartbreak right now, so I'm keeping all of this to myself. But apparently, it's more than that. It's the big FUCK OFF sign on my lawn rearing it's ugly head.
I told her all the reasons I don't think it would work between me and said boy.
And she said, "This is you, making excuses for why it won't work, so that when it doesn't work, you can say you knew all along, and you think that if you keep these reasons in your back pocket and pull them out when the 'inevitable' happens, it won't hurt, because this will be your ammunition against it." Or something like that.
Anyway, the point is, she's right. I had never thought about it like that before, but as soon as she said it, I saw that she was right. And not only did I see it in this situation, but I saw how I have done that over and over again in my life.
It's not to say that I'm going to tell said boy how I feel, but she has given me a lot to think about.
Angry, bitter and defensive.
Jeez. I suck large.
My thoughts now, November 12, 2008:
She was right and wrong. I can definitely put up the FUCK YOU sign when I need to be defensive. But that's not what was going on. Because, the day after I wrote that, I went on a date. And another date. And another. With the same guy. Not the guy in that post. Another guy. A guy I'm still dating today.
So where did the FUCK YOU sign go with this guy I'm dating now? Why didn't I have it up with him but with guy #1? I don't know why it was so hard to see then. I didn't want him. Looking back at it, and it wasn't that long ago, it's pretty clear. I didn't want him. I could have had him if I wanted it. I didn't. I made every excuse in the book.
"It just won't work."
"We're too different."
"We're too much the same."
"He's too much the same."
I felt like I should want to be with him. It made a lot of sense, on paper. But I just didn't feel it. I didn't then, and I just couldn't fake it. I did that for so long, I just couldn't do it anymore.
So there we have it. It only took me 5 months to figure that one out.
Good on you, Anne. Keep going.
Let's try this again
Looks like I wasn't totally unblocked there. Maybe this will be it. I wanted to follow my Pink Collar friend's lead, and post 30 times in 30 days, but I'm already 12 days behind. Another month. Another challenge.
As I was looking over my old posts, I noticed I have seven unfinished drafts. Then I thought, "well, that time has passed, it's too late for those posts". Then I had another thought. This is my blog. This is my writing. There are only, like, three people who read this blog anyway. So I can do whatever I want with it. Nobody cares. So I'm going to go back and see if I can finish what I started. I'll back date them for my three faithful, so you can go back and see what was a-go when I started them.
I'm so sure you will.
As I was looking over my old posts, I noticed I have seven unfinished drafts. Then I thought, "well, that time has passed, it's too late for those posts". Then I had another thought. This is my blog. This is my writing. There are only, like, three people who read this blog anyway. So I can do whatever I want with it. Nobody cares. So I'm going to go back and see if I can finish what I started. I'll back date them for my three faithful, so you can go back and see what was a-go when I started them.
I'm so sure you will.
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
Unblocked
I've had writer's block for almost two months now. Clearly.
Well tonight, I am officially unblocked. And it only took a big fall into that cesspool called Memory to do it.
I'm moving. Again. For the sixth time in five years. I moved in 2003. I moved in 2004. I moved in 2005. I did not move in 2006 (though I prayed every single day that year that I could move). I moved twice in 2007. Yup, twice. And now, it is October 2008, and I'm moving again.
And as it is with moving, you go through shit, and sort out shit, and pack up shit, and inevitably, you find shit. I found a lot of shit. Pictures and cards and blah blah. But what I found which was the catalyst in my unblocking was e-mails.
A folder full of printed e-mails starting in 2001 and ending in...whatever. I didn't even check the date of the last one, but believe me when I say the folder was full.
There was a lot of stuff I got rid of. There are some things I still have, and maybe will get rid of one day. I'm sure there are things I will never get rid of. But today, I got rid of that folder. Years worth of correspondence, some of it I'm sure very sweet and romantic. In the recycling bin. So that it can be turned into paper that will one day be used by someone else to print an e-mail from his or her beloved to be put in a folder to be thrown away years later, not with tears, but a shake of the head instead.
Well, at least I'm unblocked.
Well tonight, I am officially unblocked. And it only took a big fall into that cesspool called Memory to do it.
I'm moving. Again. For the sixth time in five years. I moved in 2003. I moved in 2004. I moved in 2005. I did not move in 2006 (though I prayed every single day that year that I could move). I moved twice in 2007. Yup, twice. And now, it is October 2008, and I'm moving again.
And as it is with moving, you go through shit, and sort out shit, and pack up shit, and inevitably, you find shit. I found a lot of shit. Pictures and cards and blah blah. But what I found which was the catalyst in my unblocking was e-mails.
A folder full of printed e-mails starting in 2001 and ending in...whatever. I didn't even check the date of the last one, but believe me when I say the folder was full.
There was a lot of stuff I got rid of. There are some things I still have, and maybe will get rid of one day. I'm sure there are things I will never get rid of. But today, I got rid of that folder. Years worth of correspondence, some of it I'm sure very sweet and romantic. In the recycling bin. So that it can be turned into paper that will one day be used by someone else to print an e-mail from his or her beloved to be put in a folder to be thrown away years later, not with tears, but a shake of the head instead.
Well, at least I'm unblocked.
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